Kalau saya sebatang pensil Staedtler 2B

SASTERA Teks oleh: Lily G

If I were a Staedtler 2B pencil, I would screw as many pencil sharpeners as possible to pretend I’m at least the size of a marker pen or a crayon.

I would chase skirts indiscriminately. Tall, short, fair, tanned, thin, fat, teksars, tekciks, free-hairs, hijabsters, pretty, ugly; secretaries, lawyers, auditors, social media influencers, Indo cleaning ladies, my girlfriend’s girlfriends, my best-friend’s girlfriend, my father’s wives, my mother’s friends – anyone with legs which spread as easily as margarine – so I can spread my Staedtler 2B pencil about.

Because I have no quality, I will go for quantity.

A Staedtler 2B pencil is dedicated to pursuing his conquests in order to validate his existense.  Every arena is a meat market. Meetings, shopping centres, clubs, toll booths.

I will be a master of verbal foreplay. I will tell them what they want to hear. I will tell them they are pretty, witty, sexy. I will tell them they are my soulmate. I will tell them no other woman even comes close. That I’ve been waiting all my life to meet someone like them.

I will dedicate my time to being a professional sexual predator. I will pursue them day and night. Until I get them down on their knees, or pinned under me, where they really belong.

After I’ve shagged them for about 3 minutes, I will toss them aside like a used condom. I will drop them like hot coal.

I will put them down so they would know what it’s like to be insecure like me.

I will tell everyone about my conquests. I will shag and brag. I will viral their naked pictures. I will humilate them.

And if a woman dares to say she doesn’t  feel anything, I will just tell her, her vagina is the size of a pencil case.

A Staedtler 2B pencil will not bother to respect women. Women are beneath us. Literally. They are just a hole between their legs. Or cheeks. They are just there to feed my libido and to soothe my ego.

Don’t hate me because I’m a Staedtler 2B pencil.

Worship me. Because in my head, I’m a marker pen.

***

Ala… main-main je. Janganlah kecil… err… hati.

 

Here are some really stupid 2B jokes.

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who is a boring fuck?
Mechanical pencil.

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who is an auditor?
Staidtler 2B

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who buys ubat besar, keras, tahan 3 round lagu Taman Rashidah Utama?
Marker Pen Wannabe

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who is still in the closet?
Luna pink colour pencil.

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2b who is somehow miraculously able to leave an inedible mark?
Magic Pen

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who can tahan tiga round Taman Rashidah Utama, tiga round November Rain and 4 lagu KRU?
Kilometrico

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who knows how to fly?
Pilot

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who shoots blank?
Mont Blanc

What do you call a Staedtler 2B who is not so discreet about rearranging and scratching his balls in public?
Parker

Wot do u call a Staedtler 2B who is bengang?
Cross

Wot do you call an African Staedtler 2b?
Coloured Pencil
(Okay. This is daft. Africans are supposed to have a dong long and thick enough you can tattoo your  whole name complete with the binti on it)

Wot do Staedtler 2Bs and souvenir pens from trade exhibitions have in common?
They are loud and gawdy, and usually run out of ink after one use.

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B yang ada pendapatan tetap?
A Stabilo

What do you call an attention seeking Staedtler 2B?
A Stabilo highlighter

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who has thin sperm?
Waterman

Where do Staedler 2Bs live?
Faber-Castle

If Shakespeare is still alive, what would he say to a Staedtler 2B?
“2B, or not 2B: that is the question”

Wot do you call a Staedtler 2B who is scared of ghosts?
Staedler 2B 2B 2

Wot do u call a Staedtler 2b who likes spiders?
2B Maguire

Wot do you call a workaholic Staedtler 2b?
2BZ

Wot do you call a Kelantanese Staedtler 2B?
Staedtler 2Bik

Wot does a delusional  Staedtler 2B go around saying?
I’m Bic

 

Lily G, author of Men Are Dicks*

 

Anda boleh mendapatkan naskah Men Are Dicks* dengan melayari www.neonterbit.com atau Whatsapp 013-4470076
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